Some Secrets to Good Leadership

I came to leadership rather hesitantly, more than once. As an Aries with a Scorpio moon, and the eldest of the second batch of my parents brood, I guess you could say leadership was written in the stars for me. At the young age of 10, I was “President” of my neighborhood's “Ninkey Club”, and by neighborhood I mean one of my younger sisters and our best friend Sarah. At 16, I was promoted to head camp counselor and put in charge of over 20 children (no, this did not meet the ratio standard for New York state), and at 17, I began a musical theater review group called the “Be Sharps”..really, and before The Simpsons coined the term. We dressed in black spandex and sang and danced to everything from The Lion King to Chicago. In my last year of college, I led a performance poetry group started by an ex of mine, called “Inner Rhythms” and once out, co-founded and directed another called “Ice 9”, which refers to a substance in a Kurt Vonnegut book which freezes at a very high temperature, causing unstoppable spread through the earth. As you can see, the first secret to being a leader is to not be afraid of being cheesy; if you are trying something new or avant-garde, someone is bound to laugh at you, so it’s best you learn to laugh at yourself first.

Like every good leader, I learned the hard way when illness struck in my late twenties, that the people around you often don’t know how to support you. As my very good friend Yolanda said as I recovered, “Amy, you were our rock and were always the one we could count on. We didn’t know how to be that for you.” My younger sisters would likely agree; I was also the older sibling who redirected my mother’s rage away from them to shield them. When my inner demons, coupled with medical malpractice, came for me, I was by and large, alone, and through the worst of it (about a year) so poor I was saving food to get two meals a day because I could not afford three (and being gluten free, soup kitchens and most pantries were out of the question at that time). When I returned to work, I disavowed leadership and told myself that I’d do whatever it took to get the bills paid and stay fed, as long as it did not violate my ethics. Leaders are often alone, I realized (it can be lonely at the top) and I cherished my friends. I got a job as a data collector; within a year I was promoted through the ranks to Research Assistant, despite having no real background in research. When I won the push to change our informed consent document to better notify individuals of the project’s risks (the national project was the largest Social Security has ever conducted), the business’ top lawyer sat me down and asked, “Have you thought about law school?”

I left that project in my early thirties as it wrapped up, landing on benefits counseling as a career, but leadership kept coming for me. I imagine, though cannot confirm through empirical research, that most leaders have a strong mix of perseverance and vision. Those were two things I just could not shut off, and I found myself again in my mid-thirties pursing an MPH, and before I even finished, leading initiatives on substance use disorder. This work by chance turned into an Executive Director position, and then another. And this is where the hardest leadership lessons were learned. Once in the public eye, as a leader you will receive unearned praise and unearned criticism. Leaders need incredibly good boundaries and insight to decipher what is worthy of exploring and working through, and what is nonsense dreamed up by gossip, unhappy people, or worse, people who tear you down for their own power. That is the one secret to bad leadership I will share: any leader who obtains their power by harming another is driven by ego and has no place in leadership. But, my friends, I’d wager to say it’s at least 1/3rd of the fray.

Twice so far in my leadership journey I have garnered unearned attacks. And twice I have learned how to not take things personally (the first time I failed miserably which was a learning). Most leaders won’t share how often or what types of negative feedback they receive, but from my anecdotal research, it’s fairly often and ubiquitous; knowing this has given me greater respect for individuals in political office and a more scrupulous eye when a bad news story breaks on someone.

I think it’s important to note that I’ve also done a fair amount of contemplation on how to not take accolades personally also. Pedestals are dangerous places, something I learned through illness, and so maybe one of the hardest things leaders need to do is endure the pedestal while staying on the ground. Some of sitting in the leader’s chair is luck, some skill, and some privilege. I’ve never for a second taken for granted that my parents’ investment in my education secured my career. No one looks at my resume and wonders if I can do the job; if anything some employers have wondered if I am overqualified, which brings me to the next secret to being a good leader: understand what you are not good at, and delegate. I am not good at a lot of things, some of which I could become better at and some of which I likely could not. I’m not the person to hire for graphic design; I’m not the mouse that can find their way out of a maze because my spatial intelligence was made for a 2d world (so don’t ask me for directions!). And I’m likely not the best person to facilitate conflict resolution as a full-time job, as I can wear my emotions on my sleeve and have never nurtured a poker face. But I am also aware of things I probably would be very good at with more education and experience.

Leadership can be a position, but it also takes time, training and experience; for this reason, leaders must nurture those coming behind them. And by nurture I do not mean coddle or accept unacceptable behavior; I mean to go on the journey with folks as they figure out what they want to be when they grow up (no matter how old); give them new tasks, ask them what their interests and hobbies are, write recommendations even when there are 1000 other pressing things to do, and finally, challenge them and take some of the responsibility when they fail, which most people eventually do.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, good leaders are honest and operate with integrity. When deception, manipulation or staying silent to keep the peace (also a type of manipulation) are at play, efforts are compromised and even at times shattered. Don’t be afraid to say the thing that needs said, especially if you are a woman. As a New Yorker living in the South, I’ve been in rooms in both locations where women support and men decide; men speak and women respond. I was labeled a Teacher’s Pet in 5th grade for always raising my hand, and it is this label that has gotten me the farthest in life. I also, true confession, never even stole a jolly rancher from a candy store as a kid; as a neurodivergent human, I don’t have much tolerance for dishonesty nor manipulation. And that’s good not only for my internal peace, but for any leadership journey. People want to follow those who are clear and stand for something; a forthright person can be trusted moreso than those who always go along with the crowd or compromise ad nauseum. But, go along with the crowd and compromise sometimes, too, because some conventions, like respectful dialogue or holding the door open for whomever is coming behind you, make sense.

We are in a political and cultural time where leadership is a daunting and, at times, dangerous task. To survive being anywhere near the top (of an org, an industry, even a social club), leaders need thick skins, open hearts (I know, sounds impossible but true), and the support of other leaders. I’ve got the first two in spades; I’m working on cultivating the third. If this resonates with you, reach out for virtual or in-person coffee.

~Amy Upham